“Put it back right
now!” Teaching Self–control
to Children
by Carole Disseldorp
Three year old Sarah is in the toy shop with her mum. They are buying a
birthday present for Sarah’s friend. She really wants the sparkly
purple fairy wings that are on display for herself and starts to put
pressure on her mum. Initially she asks nicely, with a pleading
expression and voice. That doesn’t work so she starts whining. Mum
doesn’t concede so she then tells her mum, in persuasive tones, how
much she wants it. Mum wants to please her daughter and thinks the
wings are very beautiful and knows how much Sarah would love to wear
them. She forgets about her budget and succumbs to the urging.
4 year old Thomas is having lunch with his Nanna. He is hungry and
wants his sandwich now, this instant! He bangs his plate on the bench
and taps his cup annoyingly on the plate. Nanna feels obliged to hurry
so that her grandson’s hunger can be appeased.
Jane, who is 2 years old, is tired of playing on her own after 5
minutes, and asks her step-dad, who is paying bills, to play a game
with her. He tells her that he is too busy and that she needs to play
on her own for a while. Jane starts whinging.
5 year old Jim is spending a few hours with his uncle while his dad
works. Jim decides to ride his bike on the concrete driveway. Fred
tells him that he needs to put on his helmet, but Jim says he’ll be
careful and jumps on the bike without the head gear. Several minutes
later, while the uncle is still looking for the helmet, Jim comes in
crying. He has fallen off and knocked his head. Fred worries about his
nephew for the rest of the day.
It is possible to teach improved self-control to children of all ages
by having certain expectations, by using encouragement and deliberate
ignoring, and by refusing to cave in to children’s demands. It’s wise
to start early and to be aware of the child’s developmental level.
Children are born with differing temperaments, but they can be expected
to wait for things that they want, and accept that there are some
things they won’t be able to have. Some children are more innately able
to control their urges than others. There are particular situations
where children find it harder to resist their urges eg. walking through
a lolly isle in the supermarket or visiting a toy shop.
The younger the child, the more promptly we need to meet his/her needs
for attention. Eg. milk, cuddles, comfort, stimulation etc. As the
child grows she/he can gradually be expected to wait longer for his/her
needs to be met. Children naturally want many things eg. toys, food,
clothing, play with an adult, help etc but that doesn’t mean that we
should automatically give them what they want. Parents/carers often
give unwisely when a child nags, whines, yells or when they are feeling
guilty for some reason eg. working long hours, the child was injured in
an accident, the child’s parents have split up. It is important to sort
out wants and needs and to meet the child’s needs in a way that is
respectful to the parents/carers and the child. Our goal should be to
raise our child to be a decent human being, not to be popular with
her/him.
It is easy to notice poor behaviour and to comment on that, but it is
harder to find good behaviour and make a specific positive comment
about it. This encouragement will boost the child’s ego and will have
the effect of re-enforcing the favourable conduct. Playing down
negative behaviour is a skill that can be learnt with practice. We need
to tell the child once or sometimes twice to stop the unacceptable
behaviour and then, if it is not causing physical damage to a person or
object, it can be deliberately ignored. We can walk away or look away
from older children. Our gaze can be diverted away from younger
children, whilst keeping an eye on them, to ensure their safety. On the
other hand, when our child tries hard, progresses in something,
co-operates or excels in a task, we need to pay attention and comment
sincerely on a regular basis.
Our children are tempted by many advertisements, enticing displays,
friend’s possessions, as are adults, but it is vital that they learn to
use self control so that they can get on well with others, be safer,
follow directions, save their ( and their parents) money and decide
what is important in the long term.
It is a lot easier to start teaching our children to wait and think
about something carefully before acting, than deciding to teach them
when they are older. It is essential that we not give in to their wants
whenever they are whining, crying, whinging, having a tantrum, yelling
or hurting us. This doesn’t mean that our children are deprived, but we
need to consider their requests carefully and let them know when or if
they can have something, as soon as they ask properly. Refraining from
too many don’ts and no’s and letting children know what they are
allowed to do is helpful. It’s even better if we can remain calm and
kind. Endeavouring to make tasks enjoyable, by creating games and being
enthusiastic, works well too.
A degree of self – regulation generally begins at around 12 to 18
months. At 24 months a child is better able to use self control when a
parent is not present. By about 36 months a child can internalise
parental direction.
Carole Disseldorp is a Parent Educator who has had 32 years experience working
with children and parents. She has 4 grown children. She has worked as
a Primary Teacher for over 5.5 years, a full-time, Stay-at-home Mum for
16 years, a Parent Educator for 3 years, a Childcare Worker for 4 years
and a Nanny for 2.5 years. She cares deeply for the well-being of all
children and parents, and knows highly effective ways to raise
children and adolescents so that they become happy, confident, caring,
self-disciplined, independent, stable, well-mannered, competent and
successful people.
She is also the Director of Easier Parenting
- www.easierparenting.com.au.
